


Sorry

by Director_Carter



Category: Jessica Lange/Susan Sarandon - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, News, One Night Stands, There will be more than fluff, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-11-14 21:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Director_Carter/pseuds/Director_Carter
Summary: Two past lovers and co-stars meet again. A lot of things happened and even more changed. Will the past connect them again?





	1. Surprise visit

The summer is slowly coming to an end. Susan always liked this time of the year. The smell of the beach near her house, the days getting shorter and shorter. Slow wind blowing and making the palm trees dance in the shadows. The sand under her bare feet and sunsets on her porch. A glass of wine was always present and the scripts were laying untouched because this was her vacation. Her phone is finally off and she isn't answering any calls, completely free of the interviews and rumors. Penny and Rigby loved the beach. They also enjoyed the constant care and freedom of the papers and journalists. The Sunday afternoon was quiet and comfortable. Susan got up and put on her simple summer dress. She put a kimono over her bare shoulders because by now she knew summer nights can get quite chilly. With a summer bag over her shoulder, flip flops in her hand and her dogs running in front of her she left the house for a walk. This part of the beach was usually empty with few people who live here around. Nobody knew her here and that's one of the reasons she bought this house. She found comfort in being with herself. There was a person she missed but she shrugged it off and tried to enjoy her vacation as much as possible. She just sat on her towel and pulled out her book. The road was far so Penny and Rigby were free to run around. Susan sighed and kept reading the book she started yesterday. 'The price of salt' was something new to her. She'd come a long was since yesterday because it was a great book, perfectly capturing two women falling in love. Susan pretended that it didn't have to do anything with her and certain co-star and kept telling herself she is reading because mentioned co-star recommended it to her. One of the main characters was very relatable. Drinking, problematic ex-husband, a past lesbian relationship and the meeting of the woman who made it all easier. A woman who made it feel right.   
Just when she started the next page when Rigby run to her. She put the book down and petted the dog. A few meters away a woman was walking up to her holding Penny.   
"I'd recognize this dog anywhere" the familiar voice said.   
"Jess?" Susan asked confused.   
"I did get some tan but am I really that different that you can't recognize me?" Asked Jessica. Yes, it was her. That face will never leave Susan's memory. She got up and hugged her dear friend. They kissed each other's cheeks as a greeting and Susan pretended that she didn't wish the moment of her lips touching the younger woman's face lasted longer. She noticed how Jessica's eyes drifted to her lips and lower over her bare neck and low-cut summer dress. Younger woman didn't let the moment last longer than a brief second but it was enough to let Susan know that their story isn't over yet.   
"So what are you doing here? Followed me?" Jessica laughed at that.   
"Oh no, I was filming a few days earlier and I needed a break after it was done, this beach was close and seemed lonely enough. I had no idea that I'd see anyone familiar".   
"I'd lie if I said it didn't start to feel lonely. Again, you're the rare company I'd welcome here." Susan said in more serious tone.   
Jessica's lips spread into a smile as she watched the older woman talk about her that way.   
"I assume you have a place here then?" Jessica asked. "I could use some of that delicious wine of yours".   
Susan picked up her book and led the way with a little too much thoughts on their past with the same wine.   
"Here sit on the porch and I will bring some wine and glasses" Susan said unlocking the door and leaving Jessica with the nice view of the ocean. Jessica sat and let Penny out of her hold. The sun was almost completely set and the night was slowly getting darker. Susan put the wine bottle on the table and their glasses. She filled Jessica's first and then her own. She sat next to her long-time friend.   
"I noticed you're reading the book I recommended" Jessica finally said.   
"Yeah, I figured to start now that I have the time. I like it so far, Carol is a great character".   
"I've always liked Therese more for some reason".   
"Of course, you are very similar, both shy to admit personal struggles and feelings" Susan said. She knew that she hit the spot when Jess reached in her purse to grab something.  
Jessica felt a little bit exposed so she took a cigarette and lit it. Susan couldn't help but watch the way younger woman held the cigarette between her lips and how the lighter made her eyes light up. When she blew out the first smoke Susan had to take a big sip of her wine to focus on something else.   
"There is a movie too, you know" Jessica said between her sip of the wine and a smoke.   
"What?" Susan asked confused. "What movie?"   
"Based on the book. It's called Carol. My good friend Sarah is in it". Answered Jessica.   
Susan didn't really follow much of the new movies. She was more of a book person. But she heard about Sarah before. She knew about the rumors that she and Jessica were dating. Of course, she never brought that up because if it was true, Jessica would tell her. She'd always tell her about her love life. Even if Susan wasn't a part of it, she liked hearing that nobody is catching her attention. Mostly because Susan wanted to catch her attention. But this is how things with Jessica worked. If she wanted you to know something, she'd tell you herself. No matter how busy she was, she found time for Susan. They were the unfinished story of the past.  
"Sarah Paulson? Is she Carol?" Susan asked to keep the conversation slowing.   
Jessica almost choked on her wine. "Oh no, Cate Blanchett is. Sarah is Carol's friend and past lover." She finished her cigarette and put it in the ash tray.  
"Oh.. I see."  
"Susan, I'd like to tell you something. I feel like you out of all people deserve to know." Jessica started. Susan gave her all her attention and made it clear that she's listening. Jessica played with the tip of the rounded glass. She looked a little bit nervous, Susan was one of rare people who were able to notice this. She took a breath before saying those words.  
"I think I'm in love".


	2. The catch up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, after seeing each other finally, they talk.

Susan stopped. She looked at Jessica. Jessica looked away. She looked away too. All of a sudden she felt alone. Lonely. Was it true? Is she really in love with that Sarah? It meant the end. End to long nights out, to all those bottles of wine they had together, for the love that clearly was just a phase for Jessica. Her throat felt tight and her heart was beating faster. Nobody said a word. Both women were looking at the waves in the distance avoiding to say anything. Susan didn't want to pressure Jess to say a word. Her eyes were glistening. She knew that. Warm tears were filling in and she felt familiar itching in her nose that appeared just before sobbing. No, she can't. She really can't cry now. She will do that later when Jessica leaves. She will also leave tomorrow. No need to be close to her. No need to get involved into her perfect love life. Susan will give up, if it means letting her be happy with someone else then so be it.  
"So?" asked Jessica. "Won't you ask anything?" She looked at Susan. She felt the glare. She felt the wine and sickness in her stomach. She could throw up. But she won't. She took a breath, spread her lips into a smile and looked back.  
"Is he any good then?" She asked casually while drinking some of her wine left in the glass. She licked her lips, put her elbow on the table and laid her chin in her palm. Jessica laughed. She pressed her lips together and looked into Susan's eyes.   
"He is. In fact, you even know him. His name is Sam. Sam Shepard." Something in Susan clicked. He and her ex were good friends. And given by the fact that her ex abused her, and this was his friend.. She wasn't very sure of his behaviors.   
"How well do you know him?" She asked perhaps to say anything at all and perhaps to look for anything that would point a bad thing about him. She would never let Jessica into something bad. Not when she felt it on her own skin.   
"Well, we met a what, year ago? He is a good man. He is gentle, caring and he is willing to accept Misha's kid. I mean, he's really something."  
"Do you love him? Like, really, deeply love him?" Asked Susan. She wasn't going to cry right now. She is just curious. You know, how friends usually talk about this.. It's just that.  
"He is in love with me. I.. he.. he is what I need. I can't run anymore. I'm not in my best age. Someday I'll be in my 50s, 60s and alone. I'm scared Susan." She took a breath and looked away again. Her eyes were sad. Her hands were in her lap and she kept looking down and play with her bracelet. It was almost like she kept everything in until this moment. It was flattering, really, to be the first to hear it. But.. this way? Seeing her like this? It was deeply cut into Susan's memory, the way her eyes wanted to cry but maybe have been doing so for a while so they dried out. Jessica looked tired. Of herself, everything.  
"Then why did you say you're in love?" Now she was actually curious. Confused at least. If it's not real, why would she say it was? Why would she-  
"I am. Not with him." she-.. That made her mind go blank.   
"Then with who?"  
"You." She said simply. She threw her head back and looked up into the sky. She put her hands over her face. She looked like she was going to cry.  
Susan just stared.  
"I'm sorry.. I can't just come back into your life and expect you to.. I'm gonna-"  
"Leave? Again? No." Jessica Looked at her. She could see that Jessica breathed out relieved. Maybe relieved that Susan wasn't going to let her go. Maybe because she finally said it. Maybe because it feels like saying the truth for the first time in a while.  
"Susan, I don't expect you to take me in again. To trust me again. To let me into your life. I hurt you when I left, I know and there hasn't been a day ever since that that I haven't thought of you, your touch or the way your heart broke over the phone that night. I.. you don't have to fix me anymore."  
"Jess, I never moved on. I had many lovers since then, I let myself be reckless, get fucked and high. I wanted to forget you. To forget how you made me feel and the way you said you were never going to leave me only to tell me you're pregnant and it would be the best for us to stop seeing each other. I see you, Jessica Phyllis Lange, I see you when I fall asleep and when I wake up in the morning. Every woman I met since you left had the same hair. Looked similar but never felt right." Jessica shed a tear. She did this. She made the only person she ever loved feel like nothing. She made her a shell of a person. Why couldn't she tell her the truth all those years ago?  
"Would you like to stay the night?" Susan asked and sniffed. Her cheeks were damp and her eyes red. She wiped her face and looked at Jessica.  
"I'm not going to let you sleep alone tonight Sus." She took the wine and their glasses and opened the door.   
"Susan come in." She yelled from the house. Susan got up and straightened her dress. With a deep breath she entered her house and closed the door.  
Dogs were asleep by now, clock was showing 12.34 a.m. There was no sound except the clock ticking and the waves crushing not too far away.   
"Where's the bedroom Sus?"  
"Second door on the right." She followed Jessica. Jess opened the door and took her cardigan off. She slipped the shoes off her feet and laid down under the cover. Susan stopped. She looked at her face. Jessica looked so soft. Her hair got messy from the pillows already.  
"I.. I just need to use the bathroom and I'll be right there alright?" Jessica nodded.  
"Okay, I'll wait." She said. Susan closed the door behind her. She stood with her back aganist the door and sighed. She can do this. She will be alright. She washed her face and put on her night gown. She sighed again and opened the door. Jessica smiled at her and moved the cover so Susan can get under. She scooted closer and laid her head on Susan's chest. Susan tangled her fingers in the younger woman's hair and slowly started stroking her hair. Jessica put her arm over Susan's waist and closed her eyes.   
"I'm sorry." She whispered. Susan could feel her shoulders shaking a little bit. Was she crying? Even if she was, Susan won't ask. She can just hold her. Even if Jessica decides it was just the wine and leaves in the morning, Susan won't be mad. She will be grateful she got one night to hold the woman she loved. To feel her skin, her hair and hear her voice again.  
"I didn't leave because I was in love with the father of my child.." She said quietly with shaky voice.   
"What?" Susan asked confused. "What do you mean?" She made sure her voice was quiet. They were alone but she didn't want to interrupt the train of Jessica's thoughts.  
"I was forced to do so.." She said as she drifted off to sleep. Susan felt that her breathing evened out and that she was asleep. What did she just tell her? Forced? How can someone force you to get pregnant? To leave someone you said you love? It was clear that she won't sleep that night. There was too much to think about.

**Author's Note:**

> The story was inspired by Halsey's song Sorry. You can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bwGqfUst30 . If you have any suggestions or ideas, feel free to comment down below. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter!


End file.
